As I sit in my room
curled up,
crying and shaking,
Mind racing.
Run, run, run
Eat, eat, eat
Drink, drink, drink
Smoke, smoke, smoke
End it all.
Anything, anything
Would be, could be, has to be
Better than this!
I have to tell someone,
Anyone
Someone, please listen to me
I am struggling inside!
I thought this guy was
“different”
Yeah, sure was – he knew
Exactly what to do to get
What HE wanted,
Then leave.
Leave me in the cold
With no explanation.
Just like every other
“different” guy.
Drink and smoke to numb to pain away
Suddenly, so confused
Broken,
Unworthy,
My life is over.
I’m done.
I’ve tried the ‘church thing’
Didn’t do much except
Point out my sins
I must
Repent
Repent
Repent!
I ain’t no pure Christian
I can’t possibly walk
Through those kind of doors
Again.
“Just come and check it out.”
Bible Study after Bible Study,
I sit in silence, wondering my purpose
Wallowing in shame, loneliness, distrust
No where to turn,
Jesus held out His hand to me
And whispered,
“I am here.”
Guys
Food
Alcohol
Weed
Lust
Isn’t working!
Anger and resentment builds
Why God?
Why couldn’t you interfere in sooner?
What is my purpose?
“Come onto me and you will see.”
Grace
Hope
Forgiveness
Love
Overtook my veins
Taking away my
Drugs of choice.
Sat me down in
Recovery
Now, He gives me the most High
I am filled with The Father’s love and warmth
Living One Day At A Time
Accepting things I cannot change
And knowing
Progress not perfection
Is the way My God works
In me.
If you couldn’t gather that Jesus literally took me from my co-dependent life style and stole my heart, here are four reasons how I know My God exists. This world can be an ugly place. Murder, rape, abductions, genocides, lying, sin trapped in this place called Earth. I sometimes will get so caught up in all the negativity that I am faced each day. I get in a grumpy old mood that I blame on a sleepless night, busy day at work, a dirty apartment, or my dog going to the bathroom in the house, and then, I miss the whole point of my day. With so much sin and things that I let get to me, I resort typing this two hours before my essay is due for the internship at my church. Typing away, I forget the real reason I am doing this. Am I writing this for others who don’t know reasons why or how an OId Testament God is the same as a New Testament God? Or for those who I judge constantly about their own relationship with Jesus or me- one who thinks I’ve got it all figured out and have the best relationship with Jesus? Rrrrrright.
Being so blessed to be able to intern in the greatest church of the face of the Earth. No, really. This church literally has saved my life time after time. Apart from being my second home, (first home is my first apartment with my two best friends), this place is filled with God’s grace, love, and humility. I could brag about my second home all day, every day. But then again, getting caught up with boasting about what an amazing church this is, I simply forget what My Father has done. If it wasn’t for Jesus Christ Himself, this church would never exist. And by saying that, yes, Servant of the Shepherd is just one reason I know in my heart that My God exists. I came to this church very broken, stubborn, and hurt. I was bombarded by grace, hugs, and sincere people that have been through same amount of shit I had, plus more. My heart inside started to change. My old ways became somewhat of the past. God literally had swiped me off my feet and had no plans on dropping me off anywhere but in the palm of His hands. His love wiped out any hurt or destruction in my life. I kept coming back to church as if it was a normal part of my everyday living, as it was. Bible Study after Bible Study, I sat in silence continuously wondering my purpose and who was this loving God everyone spoke of. I searched and searched till I couldn’t any longer, I found My Father, a loving, caring Father of the Utmost High. I do not know how to live without God and without Servant of the Shepherd Church, teaching me about love, grace, and recovery. It is my family I never had growing up, a family because of Jesus shedding His blood for me, this church, and everybody else walking through this sinful world. God is the reason SOS stands and remains true to “Serving God by Loving His People”.
There is this semi-complicated argument called the Teleological Agrument, meaning that the design of the world didn’t create itself; someone must have designed or created it so beautifully. This being God! When you walk outside and hear the birds chirping or the snow falling so diligently, there has to be someone or something that created such a beautiful atmosphere. Now, this is very contradicting compared to the first couple statements I said. How could a sinful and ugly world be beautifully designed by a mysterious God? Say what? That seems to make no sense at all. And frankly, I have a difficult time believing this myself. But as days go on, I start to believe that My God did create this world, but did not create the sin, suffering, and pain happening in this world. In the beginning, there was this Earth with absolute no sin at all. God created Adam and Eve until they were tempted by the great evil One, Satan himself. The power was greater than Adam and Eve, but not greater than God! God made beauty out of the ashes and sin Adam and Eve endured. He didn’t embarrass them or treat them badly, but instead, gave them clothes to wear. Now if I was God and just got done created a sinless world and a couple that was then tempted and succeeded in sin, I would be pretty angry myself and not want to help, care for or dress them. That is the grace and love God poured onto Adam and Eve! He didn’t yell at them or disown them. I find that simply amazing. Even when sin entered this world, God made beauty out of the ugly. And He continues to do that today. Through my own experience, I am given grace time and time again. I fail Jesus daily but He is always there when I come crawling back to him. This means I don’t have the perfect relationship with God. Though God is perfect in all His ways, my heart is changing because of The Cross and what Jesus did for me specifically. I can’t imagine my life today without knowing there is a reason for everything, even if I don’t need to know that reason. There is a reason the evergreen trees are blowing in the wind and a reason why snowflakes are falling on my nose in the early morning light; because there is a beautiful God that designs beautiful things, including you and every one of His children.
We all have morals. Knowing as a little child what is right and wrong is something that we usually learn from our parents. I have always wondered where the first initial “right and wrong” memo came from. God of course! Who else would be able to have the honor of creating the morals of this world. Sometimes, we get so focused on the wrongs of this world; we don’t see how to be a part of the right. I see wrong as sin, this world and right as God, love, and compassion. I see stealing a candy bar from the gas station as wrong and God’s mercy on me as right. I see gossiping at work as wrong and God’s body of Christ as right. No is wrong and yes is right, right? Possibly. Whenever I am questioning the right and wrong of this world, I look to God has the best teacher and One who will guide me in the right direction of right. I will do wrong all evermore but I have a God of Right that will teach me His ways, not my own. My desires are usually wrong but God changes my heart with conviction, prayer, and His love. I desire to lust but also desire to pray for my brothers in Christ. I desire to lie but I also desire to speak The Truth. I desire to be balanced. I desire to be joyful. I desire to be His child. I’d rather die for the One who died for me than be sucked into the world of wrong. My morals come from His Truth and His Word. Yes, I will stumble with sin and wrongs all the time, but I know that My God is a God of forgiveness, compassion, and grace I am in desperate need of. Because heck, if I was in charge of my morals, I’d be screwed and tattooed and I have enough tattoos as it is. 😉
I always say your testimony is most reliable evidence of God. Everyone’s story matters significantly. Because of God, I no longer go to alcohol to numb my pain away. Because of God, I no longer smoke weed to laugh my hurt away. Because of God, I no longer let guys use and abuse me. I no longer let myself use and abuse me. Because of God, I am able to care for the elderly and love them like Jesus. People always tell me it takes a special someone to take care of the elderly and I agree, that special someone is Jesus. If Jesus didn’t die for me, my sacrifice of running around like a monkey, answering call lights, helping someone with simple tasks as we think like showering and dressing, and being a companion of those who need it most at times; I wouldn’t be that special someone today. I have a great church family, a mentor, adorable dog, awesome job I love, and passion for God’s children. I have so many blessings I am in awe of. I couldn’t imagine my life without Jesus. I was in such a dark place, even five/six months ago. I am growing each day in Christ. Not by anything I have done accept screw up after screw up until finally I surrendered (by The Holy Spirit). I couldn’t do it any longer by myself. I didn’t want to live. I had no hope at all until Jesus completely melted my heart away. God gives me hope. God gives me purpose. God is my purpose. I feel honored and so blessed to have a church family that loves me for where I am, two beautiful roommates that inspire me, and a loving Father that calls me by my name. My life isn’t perfect but I know I have a God that is and will get me through everything in my path. I heard someone once say, “Nothing can be darker of place then where I was when I didn’t have Jesus in my life”. That holds true in my life and I can see in other’s lives as well. I love seeing Jesus work in others through service, laughter, providing meals, and His abundant love. His work is so relevant in this world. God’s power and grace is much greater than any sin I or anyone has done. God makes beauty out of ashes. He makes wives and husbands out of “outcasts”. He makes missionaries out of murderers. God makes more sense to me each day of my life and I would not change that for anything. He is My Rock, Redeemer, Healer, and Almighty Father that I thought I’d never have, till now. He is one great Dad I am honored to be His daughter. Amen.
My beautiful roommates and sisters. ^
My life be like... 